Song

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I remember the first time
I heard this song.
Cozy mornings on cold days
warm tea.
The same ritual.
My earl grey
But you never had milk,
Always fucking cream.
But I hear the song and I remember
Those mornings
Where I loved you,
Truly,
Loved you.
I heard that song again today
I loved it
I repeated it
And I didn’t think of you at all.

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Fall

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I fell for the wrong guy
Not exactly new
But you are.
You’ve made me want to be soft
Cashmere on your skin.
I’m kind with you.
My best self maybe.
I believe you bring out my best
But you’re not mine to love
You never will be.  
But I’ll fall anyway
Into the better me.

Eventually

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I fucking love you okay?
Do you even know what that’s like
Loving you?
Every moment I have with you
Carries some fucking weight. 
A part of me trusts
It can see how we fit
How it can happen 
The rest of me despairs
Knowing I’ve met myself
The self that fits the self i am
And I can’t 
May not ever
I can just sit
Wait.
Hope.
Maybe one day.

Void

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I made an image
An ideal in my head
A fantasy I could aspire to
I created it myself
To fill my bored hours.
A dream to fantasize about
Something to think about
Something to feel
So I could try to deny and avoid
Thank i don’t.
Not for you
Not for myself
Not for anything.
There used to be a person here
Now she’s a black hole.

Sully

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Seeing you when I did not expect to
Is the best surprise of my day
Knowing you worried
Noticed my absence 
Cared.
Your smile lights up my day
Making you laugh is always a goal 
Seeing you watch me
Stare.
I crave every second and
Look forward to the next.
You dizzy me to distraction
Wanting the unattainable.
You’re so good
If you touch me I’ll ruin you
Corrupt you
Sully the purity I love.
How do I have you
Without destroying you?

Awake

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I don’t sleep anymore
I can’t 
I try every fucking night
Instead I lay there 
Imaging things that will never be.
Your body against mine
Your hands on me
That the smile you give is just for me. 
I’m boring everyone 
I’m boring myself. 
If I tried I could get what I want
But it’s not worth the risk.
So I torture myself
Every sleepless night,
Every exhausted day
Dreaming of you
Awake and dreaming.

Missed

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That t-shirt you wore
In that photo I took
You know the one
You were sick that night
Holding your teddy bear
curled up,
Sweet.
You were everything
The thing I loved
A space between hurts.
A pure moment
Where I saw the man
The boy
The bear
I loved.
I still wear the shirt
I can’t throw it out.
I imagine it smells like you
Holds the future I wanted
Shows the love I bore
Before I broke.
I miss what I wished we were.

Spaces

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The tiny hairs
My hackles,
Raised and aware.
Too conscious of that gaze.
I feel the warmth and
Magnetized,
Like a sunflower reaching for light,
I lean into it.
I soak in what I can
Most days are partially cloudy.
I need to take in any light,
I’m greedy
I hoard any time.
Inches between
A hundred unspoken words.
Subdued lust,
Subverted longing.
A bitch aware of her master,
Seeking his praise
Waiting.